Toffee Turns 8!

Today, Toffee turned 8. I didn’t plan for anything; I didn’t even remember it.

I woke up around 4 a.m., and Toffee needed to pee, so I got her out for a few minutes. I looked at the stars; they were beautiful.

I started coming back, and I had a very horrible pain starting in my lower abdomen, and I knew I couldn’t move after that, so I got myself to the daybed I made downstairs recently and just curled up. Toffee was concerned.

I knew it was getting so bad that I needed warm things and maybe pain meds. I started getting cold as the pain escalated. I pulled myself upstairs, worried I might pass out soon, heated some gel packs, and lay in bed, and that was all I remember.

This happens once in a while. It can be one of a few things: an ovarian cyst rupturing, an endometriosis flare, or that I held my pee overnight and it affected a whole bunch of other systems that are already very fragile.

That said, I woke up around 10 a.m. again, feeling a bit better, looked at my calendar, and saw “Toffee’s Adoption Day!” and I was like, “She’s 8! I wanna do something for her.”

I looked at the weather, and it was gonna get quite hot by 11:30, and I just wanted to take her on a birthday walk. I wanted to spend time with her, just her.

I am grateful I had a bit of capacity to take her out by 10:45 a.m. She was excited, and I was equipped with all the safety stuff for me on my power wheelchair.

We were out until 11:30, and she had a wonderful time. So did I. She loves riding seated with me on the chair and chooses when she wants to walk or when she wants to ride.

Most of the time, we were in the shade. When it started getting hotter than I could handle, I sprayed myself with some water. I have been using that as my supply of sweat on my body, which struggles to regulate temperature, so I don’t end up with heat stroke. We came home fast after I started feeling it.

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Toffee has been a girl who has been by my side for a whole range of things. She is one of those beings that I didn’t know how she became part of my life, but very quickly became a star I cherish every day.

She cuddles with me like a tiny baby when I am sad. She smiles like the world is just a step away from peace. She barks like she takes her stance very seriously. She cares like she has got everything right here. She comes close like she knows mama makes it all better. She plays like she is having the time of her life.

I can’t believe I met her completely by chance. I can’t believe she chose me that day, and anyone who hears that story can’t believe it was real. I probably wouldn’t either if I hadn’t lived it and had witnesses!

Let me tell you how I met her.

This was 2020. I had always wanted a dog but never had one. I was diagnosed with severe PTSD earlier in the year, and my therapist had been talking about getting a companion. I thought about it a lot, as I do about most things, and realized I could actually be home during lockdown and get the dog accustomed to home life before we had to return to work.

My then-boyfriend, P, was in lockdown with me in my apartment. I ordered a bunch of dog stuff and got home all ready for a dog to come home to. The leash and harness were the things that were gonna be delivered a few days later. I was okay with that, given that I saw on the rescue page that they provide them.

I went to Family Dog Rescue. I had seen a dog named Koda on their site, and I wanted to meet him. This was in San Francisco, so we drove from San Jose, and when we got there, they said Koda was currently in a foster home and also wouldn’t be a good fit for apartment life given his energy.

So they had this huge board of pictures of dogs that were then housed at the shelter.

I kept looking at all these adorable faces, and I remember wanting a dog less than a year old. Over on the last board, very off to the side, was a picture of a dog named Toffee. I was like, that is a cute dog. Why is the picture almost like it’s being hidden?

I asked them about it. They said she had been extremely terrified. She was about one to two years old, was found on very rough streets of San Francisco, and they didn’t know her story. She was just extremely scared and wouldn’t get close to anyone at the shelter. No training yet.

I had volunteered at the San Jose animal shelter for a while before, and I had worked with very terrified animals before. With that history, I knew just the environment of being in the shelter is a horrifying experience for them. It is better than being on the streets, but it does make feeling safe harder when you’re surrounded by tens and hundreds of dogs barking and busy people moving.

I talked to them, and I wanted to meet her.

She came in, and she ran under the couch P and I were sitting on. Just stayed there the whole time. I sat on the floor next to the couch and kept chatting, and after a few minutes, I kept treats under the couch. She took them once my hand was away.

The staff came back to see how we were doing. They saw that, as I spoke, she felt safe enough to start closing her eyes. She was still hiding, but it was a small bit of trust.

I loved her. I think there was a part of me that felt like I understood what that must be like.

Terrified because there hasn’t been anything but terror.

They did not have a collar and leash for us. I pointed out that I did not either. They gave us a soft leash, and I knew how to use one: you just loop it around the neck and do not use it to control, just to handle.

I put it on, and I sat in the back seat with Toffee in my lap, P driving us back.

Before we went to the apartment, I wanted us to have a small walk in the parking lot next to the apartment building so that she could get some sniffing, peeing, and some anxiety out. P was holding her leash as she went into the bushes, and in a split second, she was off leash and started running.

I was several feet away. P started chasing her; she ran harder. They ran around the whole structure a few times, and I kept screaming, “P, stop! Do NOT chase!”

He kept going, “I don’t know what else to do!”

There were a couple of people around the parking lot who were trying to get her too.

The parking lot had one opening spanning the sidewalk into the street, and a few feet away from the street was a very heavily trafficked road. That street has never been empty.

I saw Toffee heading toward the street and a blue car coming closer, and I screamed quite loudly to everyone, “STOP! Everyone just STOP!” and turned toward Toffee. I knew I couldn’t get to her in time to get her off the street if she got out of the parking lot.

I screamed with everything in me, “Toffee! Come here! Toffee!” and started kneeling.

She was a couple of feet away from getting into the street, and she just stopped, looked back at me, and ran toward me so fast and jumped into my lap. I saw the blue car go past us and a yellow car go past from the other side.

I held her close, asked P for the leash, got her on again, and said to her:

“Thank you so much, Toffee. Thank you for trusting me. I will keep you safe, I promise. I got you.”

She chose me that day just as much, if not more, than I chose her.

It took her a long time to learn that her mama will do everything in the world to keep her away from harm; that she could trust people I trust; that she could play with toys; that she could tell me no and I will listen; that she gets to have her own way of being a doggo; that she doesn’t have to look for scraps; that she doesn’t have to steal; that she can make friends.

Now she’s a girl who will genuinely enjoy saying hi to birdies, squirrels, and cats; knows when to give space to animals who think she might be a threat; taught Milo, the cat, the rules of the house as she knows them; is unsure if Nacho and Cheese, the chinchillas, are going to pull her tail again, so she has to sit higher up when they are out; knows so many things that she has saved my life a few times; and, oh my gosh, she knows this is her home and I am her person and this little household is her family.

We are grateful to have her, so I am grateful I got to get her out even for a little bit, on a walk with her person where she chose her activity and we just had fun.

I couldn’t do anything else for the day. I lay in bed, still in pain, but for that little window when I could do something, I am glad I celebrated this little baby girl!

Toffee!